Thoughts On A Sunny Afternoon in August

Remember how I mentioned that some of my handmade items were being sold at a great shop in my town? Well, the owner, Michelle, made mention of me in a recent blog post...very cool, huh?

Let me take a second to explain that I'm writing kind of backwards here...I decided after writing the paragraphs below to come back and insert a little disclaimer. I rarely make a blog post without a single picture. I also don't always share a ton of thoughts. I guess my mood today lent itself to no pictures and lots of thoughts. Maybe I'm feeling reflective on this sunny Sunday afternoon in August...I'm frequently a verbal processor, and I infrequently use writing as a way of sorting out my thoughts, it isn't typical for me to "journal". So I won't be offended if no one besides myself is interested in reading this post, it is in many ways much more personal that this blog typically is.

You know, I heard someone say back in my early 20's that when you move somewhere new it will typically take around 2-3 years before that place really begins to feel like "home". Without exception this has proven to be true in my own life. I have been away from California for just over two years now...at first Washington felt like a foreign land that had been cursed with a lack of sunshine. I went through some major seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.) the first year I was here. In hindsight I needed to have taken a multi-vitamin, an extra vitamin D supplement, and excercised more. Honestly though, depression can be crippling at times, you don't always do for yourself what you should when you feel down. Even though I was now living with my best friend (the husband and I had dated and been engaged long distance for the majority of our relationship before we were married), I was lonely. I made friends at the first job that I worked, and a couple of those friendships have been invaluable to me. But for a long time I've lacked connection. I've felt at times like I'm living in the "movie set" of my husband's life. He grew up in this area and it is home to him. I guess I felt like a prop, or an extra. Being here has at times made me feel like I wasn't living my own story.

I think this past winter set off in me an alarm of sorts. My oldest friend in life came up for a visit. It had been a few years since we'd seen each other. I had the chance to show her a few of my favorite places and we also explored together a neighborhood in Seattle that I'd never been to before. One of my favorite parts of her visit was our day up at Mt. Baker. It was a spectacularly sunny and (for winter) warm day, we didn't even need our jackets. I got to teach her how to snowboard. During her visit we also spent time drawing on onesies together while watching chick-flicks, her sister was newly pregnant at the time, so that inspired our creativity. She is an incredibly talented artist, from a very young age I've always been amazed by and a bit jealous of her talent. Seriously, when we were about seven years old I remember us drawing together and making our own paper dolls, her's were always much better than mine, but when we'd pick our favorites she was gracious enough to pick a few of mine.

In many ways being able to connect my past, in the form of my dear old friend, to my present life, started in me a desire to come out of my shell, to stop feeling like a prop or an extra in someone else's movie and to start being the main role in my own life. I'd been thinking of blogging, I'd already decided to take up sewing again...I felt like I had a million creative ideas swimming around in my head like a giant school of fish. I needed an outlet. In no way do I mean to say that the husband hasn't been considerate of my feelings or made me feel important, he's a fantastic man and a great support to me. I think he's even been confused at times by my restlessness and inability to "fit"...it hasn't been his fault at all, if anything he's always told me that he wants to be there to support me as I figure out how to have happiness and peace in life.

About the same time this past winter and spring, I was growing more and more restless in my job. I've shared in the past that I had not been happy in my last position. There were wonderful things aspects to my experience at that school (new friends being one), but there were also many drawbacks. I felt like I was sacrificing who I was and what I was hoping to be as a professional simply because I needed to stay financially stable. Losing that job really was a good news/bad news moment in my life. It was just under four months that I was "unemployed". Realistically even after I found out I'd lost my job, I still had to finish up the school year, and because my contract was over 12 months, I've continued to earn money for a while now. Maybe I was never truly "unemployed", but in my heart I was. I identified fully with folks who don't want a handout, who don't want to file for unemployment checks, but at the same time don't know if anything else is possible. I have a job now, a job that I am excited about, but I've also been rejected more than a few times for other jobs in the last four months. That's been hard on me. At one point, when I still lived in CA, I had 5 job offers to pick from in a matter of weeks after I'd started to look. I teach math, I have two degrees, a B.S. in mechanical engineering, and a M.A. in Education. I am liscened to teach in two states...in my mental blue print for my life, unemployment is not an option.

As with all difficult things in life, I think I've grown from what I've been going through. Looking back I (and the husband) have wasted money in frivolous ways in the past. I have not fully appreciated the amazing belongings I have and the amazing setting in which I live. I have focused more on attaining things than on creating things. The recent challenges in my life have changed me, maybe not completely, but I don't feel like the same person anymore.

I've pushed myself in gardening, sewing, cooking, canning, selling things I've made...I'm glad I've taken the time to blog so much of it. I was embarassed that I'd lost my job, I felt like a loser, but at the same time putting it out there felt honest. It's easy to share success and talent. It's tempting to make life appear to always be sunny and joyful. The reality is that just like my garden has it's share of weeds, so does my life. Fortunately I've been able to suprise even myself with the great things that have happened this summer with my new little business. I am excited to grow it further in the next year.

There are still so many life lessons ahead of me...maybe one day I'll legitimately feel wise. I guess all of this is to say that while I am maybe a few steps closer after these past several months to being wise, I've made to the point where I feel "home", I don't feel like I'm on someone else's set. I've made it my own; my home, our property, my hobbies, my friends, my new business connections, our pets, my new job...all of it has been part of this transition period, it has all helped me settle in and learn to put down roots. I'm grateful for this blogging experience...it's not exactly been what I would have expected, maybe it's offered more than I expected. Even on days that overwhelm me or when I lose my sense of belonging here, I can't deny that I've got a place that brings me joy. Ultimately I love my life here, I feel fortunate. I guess there's plenty more time for the story to continue to unfold.