I was puttering around in the garden the other day inspecting things and taking pictures. I snapped a picture of this marigold because there is a little story behind it to share. It was a gift from my stepson on Mother's Day. That weekend he spent Friday afternoon/evening, Saturday, through Sunday morning at our house with the husband and I. The parenting agreement the husband has with his ex has a clause for each of them to have a visit on Mother's or Father's Day from 9 am on regardless of whether the weekend is "their weekend" of visitation.The stepson left that morning as scheduled, but suprised us later that afternoon by showing up at the house, his mom driving him over. To explain, the husband and I were both a little confused/shocked, his ex never goes out of her way to bring him by for any extra time, it just does not happen. Let's just say she isn't the warmest person, she's made it very clear in the last several years through words and actions that she doesn't want my husband or I to be happy people.
So when she pulled up with the stepson, we were out in the garden chatting with our neighbors. The stepson got out of the car, and kind of skipped across the lawn towards us with one arm behind his back. He presented me with the marigold, he looked pretty pleased as he said "Happy Mother's Day" to me.
I was honestly kind of shocked...I didn't expect him to acknowledge me in any way on Mother's Day. Really, I'm not his mom...he has a mother. The last few years have been a bit of a roller coaster as we've all tried to get used to each other. This has been my first true "maternal" experience...it hasn't been easy. The traditional experience of becoming a mother involves giving life to your own child, caring for them and loving them unconditionally and receiving their love in return, pretty pure right?
The experience of a childless stepmom isn't so pure. There's lots of negotiating, compromising, gaining patience, tears, frustration, feeling taken advantage of...in the past several months I've been in a holding pattern. Basically I've been trying to get some space and perspective. I think I went into my relationship with my husband understanding that the best thing would be for me to love his son. It hasn't been easy, I've made good steps and I've made mistakes. Last fall we went through some things as a family that left me feeling taken advantage of and burnt out from trying to force everything to work. I felt like I needed to rethink what I was willing to give and what I was willing to put myself through. In many ways having a stepchild in your home is like having your spouse's ex in your home...not easy is a very mild way to put it, at times it's hell.
In stepping back I've been able to give my husband and his son space to just be guys together. I've also been able to find outlets for myself, to fill my time with things that are healthy and that build who I am. Taking the time to renegotiate these family connections and relationships has been healthy for me. We are slowly starting over. I feel like I now know what mistakes to avoid, but I'm still figuring out how to be a stepmom without feeling like I'm letting myself be hurt or taken advantage by my stepson and his mother. Some days I feel like I've learned tons, other days I feel like I don't know a thing about any of this.
It is a slow process, I don't know how everything will turn out. I guess it's fair to say that I would not recommend becoming a stepmom, but for myself I am grateful for the experience. I've grown. I was pretty naive when my husband and I married almost two years ago...I've gained wisdom from this situation, I never would have predicted any of this.
I especially would have never predicted this card from my stepson for my birthday this year, it was given to me along with a wisteria to plant on the pergola over the entrance to my garden. The husband tells me that when they were talking about presents for me that the stepson suggested another marigold because I'd liked the first one so much. I thought that was very sweet in a child-like way, if something worked, stick with it! But when the husband told him the items I'd dropped hints about, the wisteria was the item that the stepson jumped on. Smart kid!
So here is my card, written for me by my stepson who is 11 years old. It speaks for itself.
I have received other gifts this year, all of which I am grateful and appreciative for, but I think the givers of those gifts (especially the husband) would not be offended if I say that this card is the gift that will stand out the most on this birthday.
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